(Continued from part 1)
My cyber friend and I (both of us have not met each other in real life) fell in love with each other around the same time.
It took us long enough for us to finally meet each other in person even after confessing our love for each other. When we met in person in a restaurant, we didn’t feel like strangers at all. The way we talked and interacted with each other felt like we’ve known each other for a long time. As we chat, the atmosphere around us was getting perculiar again as when we look into each other’s eyes. I’m not sure about him but it was my first time experiencing those lustful signals from anyone.
After we finished our food and paid the bill, we headed to my home.
At home, with nothing spoken, we got into actions. We seemed to have a tacit agreement on how to proceed next in the bed and transitioned through every ways as if we have rehearsed on them before. The multiple rounds of sex we had were also terrific and unprecedentedly satisfying for me. Both of us wished we could carry on but he had to go home.
On the side note, that also confirms for me that how pleasurable sex is for me is heavily influenced by my emotional connexion with the sex partner. It’s amazing how my emotional attachment with my cyber friend can make everything about him felt perfect for me.
My cyber friend and I agreed that we were in love with each other, but not in a relationship with each other. We would continue to love and show care for each other without being in a relationship. We continued to interact with each other virtually over texts and calls. We also met in person, despite irregularly and with months apart each meeting.
After several in-person meetings, sensing something with him, I asked if my cyber friend was secretly waiting for me to be ready for relationships and be in one with him. He acknowledged it but added that he was comfortable with how we were. I would love to be in a relationship with him as well, but I still needed time to observe how it affects me, so I suggested that we gradually increase our commitment for each other to get there eventually. He agreed.
And that’s when things began to go wrong before I realised.
By right, the idea of gradual increase of commitment should be gradually meeting and hanging out with each other more often, be increasingly available for each other when one needs a company, be increasingly more comfortable to ask for one’s company etc.
Fast forward one year later, we did see each other more frequently, but only once every one or two months. His work schedule could sometimes be over the weekends. Sometimes, he worked everyday without a rest day over two weeks. With knowledge of his work schedule, I was mindful to only ask him out when I know he has enough rest and me-time for himself.
Probably due to my increasing emotional need for him, I started to feel that most of the time when I asked him out, he would not be available. I felt that I was often the last person that got to spend time with him, if he has any free time remaining at all, after all his other social obligations with his family, extended family and friends.
It was especially difficult for me to accept the fact that after multiple failed attempts to ask him out for consecutive weeks, the first moment he has a free weekend, he went on to make plans with his other friends. As if it is not bad enough to have to make his boyfriend queue to see him, he decided to let others who don’t have a prior appointment to cut the queue.
This very notion that I’m so easily forgotten and disregarded in his life is very uncomfortable for me. He never has his plans with me for his weekends, let alone for life as he claimed to have thought about.
When we finally met, he noticed that I wasn’t in a good mood. He asked why and I told him how I felt neglected by him and how he only asked me out at the very last minute when everyone had his time.
That ruined everything.
Maybe he wasn’t in a good mood, too. Instead of comforting me and making me feel better, he went on to defend himself and talked about how difficult it was for him to get out from home. And then he just walked off on his own. I was shocked by how little he cared about me to have left me in an emotional breakdown. Not to mention that he knew about my medical history with anxiety.
To me, that clearly shows that he didn’t know how to care for me, or he didn’t care.
We clearly don’t know each other enough in person to know how to care for each other, except for the text-based kind of care, just words but nothing else.
That’s another heartbreaking lesson I have taken.
Musings of a Homosexualist 