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Fairy-tale relationships

When we were young, we were told about fairy tales, in which the prince and the princess triumphed over the evil with the power of their true love, and then they married each other and lived happily ever after.

Such tales sound wonderful to us. They cultivate imagination, ambitions, hope, love and other good qualities in us. Many of us are especially drawn to the happy ending, in which a faithful and loving life partner will accompany us till the end of our lives.

A fellow gay friend of mine has always been dreaming about one day he would finally meet his ‘Prince Charming’ and live their lives together, happily ever after.

He has a gay couple of many years as his friends, also as a role model couple of such fairy-tale relationship to inspire him. But recently, the couple changed from being in a monogamous relationship to an open relationship. That makes him start to question his search for the one true love of his life.

If this question came to me several years ago, I probably would not be able to answer it, too. But I’ve grown to accept and respect how others choose to love. To some, polyamory maybe more suitable for them; and to some, staying uncommitted maybe the best. Words like ‘single’, ‘attached’, ‘married’, ‘partnered’, ‘committed’, ‘dating’ are becoming insufficient to describe the increasingly more complex state of singlehood or partnership of a gay man today.

The times have changed, it would be silly to think that happiness can only be attained based on the formula defined in fairy tales written decades, if not, hundreds years ago. And if you think about it, are you sure that the ultimate happiness in life that you wish for is just ‘happily ever after’, as vague as it sounds?

And why be bothered by how others making adjustments to suit themselves better in their relationship? Who are we to say that monogamy is a better form of relationship for them?

Some people may think monogamy is the ideal form of gay relationship, but I would argue that is just a concept borrowed from mainstream heterosexual marriage traditions. It would be an irony that we demand the world to accept other sexualities beyond heterosexuality, but we hold on to the idea of monogamy as an indisputably more superior practice. Such unfounded sense of ‘correctness’ that cannot be justified objectively is basically a form of discrimination against differing opinions. Homophobes probably also think of heterosexuality as an indisputably more superior practice, but unable to justify objectively on its indisputability too.

The society and the people were much simpler in those days when the fairy tales were authored. I’m pretty sure that the society back then would not be receptive to the idea of gay relationship and gay marriage. Our rights to love is increasingly well recognised now thanks to the advancement of the society. We owe it to the openness of the people, so it’s only fair that we also allow for ideas that are different from ours to exist.

If you haven’t realised it, those fairy-tale relationships only exist in, um, fairy tales. Setting them as your ultimate relationship goal is unrealistic and inapplicable for us living in this age.

There isn’t anything that special about fairy tales that is worthy for us to hold on so dearly as our dream life. They are just a subgenre of fiction written for a specific group of young audience, at a specific period of time, by authors influenced by a certain geopolitical and cultural groups, of which the society depicted in it is far too simplistic from our society today to seek useful social or relationship inspirations from. Consider more recent fictions for adults written in recent years instead.

While it’s okay to hold on to monogamous gay relationship as your relationship goal, keep in mind that it’s just traditionally the first we were taught. When there’s a need for it, be open to consider and to experiment other forms of relationships until you find the ones that suit you better.

Happiness also comes in many forms. One can feel happiness from being alone, having freedom to do certain things, having a life companion, having someone to commit to, or even from not having to commit to someone etc. It’s really about finding the right balance of different forms of happiness that are most agreeable for you and your partner(s). Don’t think of these adjustments as compromises but as continuous improvement to find the right balance of different kinds of happiness.

With that being said, we don’t really need to refer to fairy tales or a role model couple. It’s only between us and our partners. As long as all parties in the relationship are working towards the sweet spot together, it’s a good relationship.

Text-based relationship (part 2)

(Continued from part 1)

My cyber friend and I (both of us have not met each other in real life) fell in love with each other around the same time.

It took us long enough for us to finally meet each other in person even after confessing our love for each other. When we met in person in a restaurant, we didn’t feel like strangers at all. The way we talked and interacted with each other felt like we’ve known each other for a long time. As we chat, the atmosphere around us was getting perculiar again as when we look into each other’s eyes. I’m not sure about him but it was my first time experiencing those lustful signals from anyone.

After we finished our food and paid the bill, we headed to my home.

At home, with nothing spoken, we got into actions. We seemed to have a tacit agreement on how to proceed next in the bed and transitioned through every ways as if we have rehearsed on them before. The multiple rounds of sex we had were also terrific and unprecedentedly satisfying for me. Both of us wished we could carry on but he had to go home.

On the side note, that also confirms for me that how pleasurable sex is for me is heavily influenced by my emotional connexion with the sex partner. It’s amazing how my emotional attachment with my cyber friend can make everything about him felt perfect for me.

My cyber friend and I agreed that we were in love with each other, but not in a relationship with each other. We would continue to love and show care for each other without being in a relationship. We continued to interact with each other virtually over texts and calls. We also met in person, despite irregularly and with months apart each meeting.

After several in-person meetings, sensing something with him, I asked if my cyber friend was secretly waiting for me to be ready for relationships and be in one with him. He acknowledged it but added that he was comfortable with how we were. I would love to be in a relationship with him as well, but I still needed time to observe how it affects me, so I suggested that we gradually increase our commitment for each other to get there eventually. He agreed.

And that’s when things began to go wrong before I realised.

By right, the idea of gradual increase of commitment should be gradually meeting and hanging out with each other more often, be increasingly available for each other when one needs a company, be increasingly more comfortable to ask for one’s company etc.

Fast forward one year later, we did see each other more frequently, but only once every one or two months. His work schedule could sometimes be over the weekends. Sometimes, he worked everyday without a rest day over two weeks. With knowledge of his work schedule, I was mindful to only ask him out when I know he has enough rest and me-time for himself.

Probably due to my increasing emotional need for him, I started to feel that most of the time when I asked him out, he would not be available. I felt that I was often the last person that got to spend time with him, if he has any free time remaining at all, after all his other social obligations with his family, extended family and friends.

It was especially difficult for me to accept the fact that after multiple failed attempts to ask him out for consecutive weeks, the first moment he has a free weekend, he went on to make plans with his other friends. As if it is not bad enough to have to make his boyfriend queue to see him, he decided to let others who don’t have a prior appointment to cut the queue.

This very notion that I’m so easily forgotten and disregarded in his life is very uncomfortable for me. He never has his plans with me for his weekends, let alone for life as he claimed to have thought about.

When we finally met, he noticed that I wasn’t in a good mood. He asked why and I told him how I felt neglected by him and how he only asked me out at the very last minute when everyone had his time.

That ruined everything.

Maybe he wasn’t in a good mood, too. Instead of comforting me and making me feel better, he went on to defend himself and talked about how difficult it was for him to get out from home. And then he just walked off on his own. I was shocked by how little he cared about me to have left me in an emotional breakdown. Not to mention that he knew about my medical history with anxiety.

To me, that clearly shows that he didn’t know how to care for me, or he didn’t care.

We clearly don’t know each other enough in person to know how to care for each other, except for the text-based kind of care, just words but nothing else.

That’s another heartbreaking lesson I have taken.

Text-based relationship (part 1)

I didn’t believe that true love can bloom from two persons that have never met each other in real life, but have only interacted with each other virtually over the Internet or phone. Until it happened to me two years ago.

After being diagnosed with anxiety disorder, I had to end the relationship with my ex to stay away from him as a major source of my anxiety. I basically took about one year break from any kind of romantic dating or relationships.

I feared that getting into another relationship would trigger my anxiety attacks again. I also feared being judged or rejected if I disclose about my anxiety to my partner in a relationship. I feared that my would-be boyfriend would mind the trouble of having to handle a person with medical history of anxiety disorder, if I disclose it before getting into a relationship. But it’s also a burden for me to handle the sense of guilt from not disclosing it when I’m dating someone.

Soon after, I came to realise that if these fears stay on in me, I would have to be prepared to stay single for the rest of my life, which admittedly might sound lonely, has been what I had gotten used to, as that’s how my life was like for a year after I ended the relationship. I shifted my focus to work, and got a lot more things achieved and done at work, which was rewarding too.

But I wasn’t just going to give up on love. I wanted to find ways to overcome such self-imposing limits that induce fears in myself from seeking love. That time, one of my long-time cyber friend that I’ve never met in person somehow got in touch again with me.

I asked for his advice as he has had relatable experience that might be a good reference to me. In his case, it took him only took only a few months to overcome the self-imposing fears and worries that locked himself out from the dating scene. I guess everyone is different in the way their minds work. I couldn’t find myself getting over the worries after a year. (Or maybe I didn’t pay enough attention to that part of my life, so the issue had not been addressed?)

From time to time, this virtual friend and I exchange messages. Having someone that truly understands to talk to helped a lot. Very quickly, I was able gather enough confidence to start looking for dates again. My dating life was getting normal again.

I would sometimes share about my dating life with the virtual friend. And before I knew it, our messages become more and more frequent. We chatted so much that something perculiar began to happen. I could feel my love for him, a strong urge of wanting to care for him, and a feeling of wanting to let him know about it. Before I expressed it, he actually said ‘I love you’ first to me. Apparently we both fell in love with each other already.

It was unbelievable for me. I didn’t think a virtual relationship can feel the same way like a physically relationship in real life. Nevertheless, we did feel the romance for each other, over texts. Occassionally we have voice calls or video calls to hear each other’s voice and see each other’s face, but the main thing that kept the romance going for us was WhatsApp messages.

(To be continued in part 2)

Toxic relationship

Over the years that I’ve been missing, I’ve been in several relationships. The last one felt hard to get over with after we’ve broken up. I was deeply in love despite our ways of getting along with each other had become toxic to me to the point that I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder as briefly mentioned in my previous post. I had to babysit my ex’s emotion throughout the relationship, even though he is older and is supposed to be more matured than me.

He would get mad at me over random petty things, probably due to a bad day at work, or over things I did but he didn’t express his dissentment on and let it accumulate until one day it exploded. I had to be really patient with him, and be careful with my words while reasoning with him to avoid triggering more anger in him. I kept telling myself that when the two of us were having arguments, it’s important for one of us to be calm and be the reasonable one. So I just held myself together no matter how unreasonable he was being.

But when I had my emotional breakdowns with him, he would usually retaliate with more harsh words. Over the time, I learned that before I had my emotional breakdowns with him, I had to reason with myself to get my mind straight because he would not do that with me. That helped me to learn to better control my temper and anger, which, to think about it, is really beneficial for me with my work and family. But that had also caused me to contain everything in myself and force myself to internalise and digest all negative emotions on my own.

Probably also due to my constant checks and reminders to myself for my own emotions, I became a lot more anxious than I already was in nature. My mind became so noisy. I kept experiencing endless trains of thoughts swarming my mind. Before my mind was able to finish processing one thought, another just interrupted. And before the interrupting thought could be completely processed, another one just interrupted again. It felt like there were too many thoughts to handle and my brain’s thought processing mechanism was broken and it couldn’t hold off other incoming thoughts. My mind was constantly noisy with thoughts and I couldn’t sleep well at night.

I decided to take a sick leave for a few days to rest and thought that I could recover by doing just that. I shutted myself off from any work-related messages after applying for the sick leave and only kept in touch with my ex.

A few days have passed but I didn’t get better. Before I realised it, I couldn’t handle my daily life anymore. Even the smallest action of cleaning a mug can cause my mind to be swarmed by hundreds of thoughts. One small anxious thought about a slip of my hand that would break the mug would raise hundreds of other thoughts of how I would get hurt in different part of bodies with different chain accidents that cause more injuries. It was like Scary Movie being played by a broken DVD player that zips through different scenes of mishaps in my mind, except the victim is always me.

I became so worrisome that I stayed in my bed for two days with no food and minimal water in a bottle by my bedside. My ex couldn’t reach me, neither could my boss and colleagues. My mind was so restless and I was so tired and couldn’t even think about the consequences of being M.I.A. At the end, it was my late friend that came to ring my doorbell repeatedly for half an hour until I regain my conscious and pulled my mind out from drowning in the sea of anxious thoughts.

My friend didn’t even know my address before that. He got my address from my ex. My ex wasn’t the one that came to ring my doorbell after he lost contact with me.

When I came to my senses again, I brought myself to see a psychiatrist. My ex insisted to come with me, but he was busy looking at his laptop screen pretty much the whole time when we were waiting for our turn. After the first appointment, I told him that his presence caused more pressure to me because he was always working on his laptop instead of caring and paying attention to me. I felt awful for being a burden that caused him to be distracted from work and told him that it’s better that he didn’t come with me. After that, he never came along for my follow-up appointments.

Throughout the period when I was under the medication, my ex and his unreasonable temper triggered my panic attacks multiple times. I was no longer able to handle the capacity of reasoning with him and he did not seem to have enough empathy for me to control his temper. Good thing he still cared enough to calm me down and take care of me when I was under panic attacks.

After a few appointments with the psychiatrist, I realised that my conditions were only suppressed by the medications and the root cause of them were not addressed. So I decided to see a councelling psychologist. After going through the therapy for half a year, I was able to learn the way to live with my anxiety, what could trigger my panic attacks and the way to observe myself when my panic attacks are close to being triggered. I’ve also learned that he was quite a big part of my anxiety episode. So I broke up with my ex when I was undergoing the therapy.

After about half a year breaking up with him, when I felt that I no longer needed to rely on medication and therapy, I started to miss him again. I started to contact him again and we got back together soon after.

My late friend thought I was stupid to go back to my ex but he was still supportive.

But I promised myself this time around, I would only take two more of his tantrums. The first time, I would issue myself a warning, and the second time, it would be the final call for me to leave him, unless there was a clear indication that he was committed to not do it again.

In less than three months, he had his first tantrum. In less than eight months, he had the second one. To be fair with him, the frequency was a lot less than before. But I still have to be firm on it to prioritise myself over him. It is a promise that I made to myself.

In fact, in my mind, I only needed him to say sorry properly. Given his ego, I know it is a huge deal for him to apologise and own up his mistake. But I needed it to know that he was aware the harm he had been causing me and that he was putting enough effort in not harming me that way. The apology did come in a subtle and improper way when he admitted that I was right about his ego in text messages, but he never showed up in person to say that in front of me, just like how he did not show up to pull me out when I was drowning in anxiety alone in bed.

As much as my love for him wants me to just go with it, my rationale tells me it was exactly the same way I kept letting him be emotional that got me to the state I was. I cannot afford to be easy on him with it anymore because it is at the cost of my own well being. The half-assed apology was too little for me to feel safe from his harm and I just had to keep my own promise to let go, despite still in love with him.

That’s my story of the relationship that I’ve felt the most deeply in love in while being the most toxic one for me at the same time. Have you ever been in a toxic relationship like that?

Random rants: blogging, social media, writ for life

Checking back at the blogs by gay blogger that I used to read regularly, many of them stop blogging in 2014, pretty much the same as I did. Only a few that stopped in 2015, 2016. Almost none has continued to blog after 2018.

I guess times have changed. With Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok etc. that are more instant for consumptions and creations, readers and writers are choosing these more convenient platforms rather than blogs.

Even I was drawn to those platforms more. I only thought of coming back to write when I know that I can’t write about certain things on those platform. Things that are too emotionally driven, or topics that go too dark, controversial or deep and not suitable be to be posted on those platforms.

I guess I still care how people look at me after all, not wanting all my unfiltered thoughts to be on the social media platforms where people I know in real life are also connected with me there.

I probably don’t want to appear to have too much personality there. I don’t want to appear to be opinionated. Yet I don’t want to share too much things about my offline life e.g. what I’ve eaten, who I was with, what did I do there.

That leaves me with not much to share on the social media. That’s why I’m inactive on them.

But recently I have been able to relieve myself from some work duties since I’m leaving the job. So I have more time than I used to, and I get to browse social media more often than before.

I start to pay a little more attention to some people I connected with on the social media, people that I care more than others. I start to analyse what makes me care for them more. I think they are romantic or sexual interests mostly.

But being in a wretched state of life as I am now, I don’t feel I stand any chance if I pursue any of those interests with those people. I would probably feel worse for failing.

I know that I need to gather more of myself to get better. But my mind is still not able to cope with things that requires any writ applied onto myself.

I wonder when will my mind and soul be finally recovered to be driven in life again.

I think I need to be patient with myself. I’m trying to convince myself to wait patiently and just let it be if I can’t push myself to do anything. But is that really how it works? I’m not sure.

The IF multiverse of my life

In an alternate universe, I would be someone who spends more time in taking care of my own self. I would make sure my skin is smooth and flawless. I would make sure my body is well-toned and in great shape. I would make sure my hairline isn’t badly receding and that my hair is thick and lustrous. I would be so confident with my appearance that I gain so many followers on social media.

In another alternate universe, I would be so talented in producing artwork that attract people to come forward to appreciate it. My artwork would not be just aesthetically pleasing, but it also allows the viewers to ponder over and have engaging discussion on the topic that I try to express in the artwork.

In yet another alternate universe, I would be writing regularly on my blogs and have even gotten a bit of fame from it and become an influencer in the blogosphere. My writing would have helped many other young gay men to find comfort and understanding. Some would have come to me for advice and I would be taking my time to give my best advice if I have any.

All of the above cannot be achieved because I’ve chosen to be in the universe that I’m in right now, on the path that I’ve chosen now.

It’s not the first time that I find myself at crossroads of life like I am now. But I realise as I grow older, every time I’m at this state, I would be in deeper state of self doubt than before.

Is this what others call mid-life crisis, except I’ve been experiencing it every few years and it gets worse every time?