Tag: thoughts

Fairy-tale relationships

When we were young, we were told about fairy tales, in which the prince and the princess triumphed over the evil with the power of their true love, and then they married each other and lived happily ever after.

Such tales sound wonderful to us. They cultivate imagination, ambitions, hope, love and other good qualities in us. Many of us are especially drawn to the happy ending, in which a faithful and loving life partner will accompany us till the end of our lives.

A fellow gay friend of mine has always been dreaming about one day he would finally meet his ‘Prince Charming’ and live their lives together, happily ever after.

He has a gay couple of many years as his friends, also as a role model couple of such fairy-tale relationship to inspire him. But recently, the couple changed from being in a monogamous relationship to an open relationship. That makes him start to question his search for the one true love of his life.

If this question came to me several years ago, I probably would not be able to answer it, too. But I’ve grown to accept and respect how others choose to love. To some, polyamory maybe more suitable for them; and to some, staying uncommitted maybe the best. Words like ‘single’, ‘attached’, ‘married’, ‘partnered’, ‘committed’, ‘dating’ are becoming insufficient to describe the increasingly more complex state of singlehood or partnership of a gay man today.

The times have changed, it would be silly to think that happiness can only be attained based on the formula defined in fairy tales written decades, if not, hundreds years ago. And if you think about it, are you sure that the ultimate happiness in life that you wish for is just ‘happily ever after’, as vague as it sounds?

And why be bothered by how others making adjustments to suit themselves better in their relationship? Who are we to say that monogamy is a better form of relationship for them?

Some people may think monogamy is the ideal form of gay relationship, but I would argue that is just a concept borrowed from mainstream heterosexual marriage traditions. It would be an irony that we demand the world to accept other sexualities beyond heterosexuality, but we hold on to the idea of monogamy as an indisputably more superior practice. Such unfounded sense of ‘correctness’ that cannot be justified objectively is basically a form of discrimination against differing opinions. Homophobes probably also think of heterosexuality as an indisputably more superior practice, but unable to justify objectively on its indisputability too.

The society and the people were much simpler in those days when the fairy tales were authored. I’m pretty sure that the society back then would not be receptive to the idea of gay relationship and gay marriage. Our rights to love is increasingly well recognised now thanks to the advancement of the society. We owe it to the openness of the people, so it’s only fair that we also allow for ideas that are different from ours to exist.

If you haven’t realised it, those fairy-tale relationships only exist in, um, fairy tales. Setting them as your ultimate relationship goal is unrealistic and inapplicable for us living in this age.

There isn’t anything that special about fairy tales that is worthy for us to hold on so dearly as our dream life. They are just a subgenre of fiction written for a specific group of young audience, at a specific period of time, by authors influenced by a certain geopolitical and cultural groups, of which the society depicted in it is far too simplistic from our society today to seek useful social or relationship inspirations from. Consider more recent fictions for adults written in recent years instead.

While it’s okay to hold on to monogamous gay relationship as your relationship goal, keep in mind that it’s just traditionally the first we were taught. When there’s a need for it, be open to consider and to experiment other forms of relationships until you find the ones that suit you better.

Happiness also comes in many forms. One can feel happiness from being alone, having freedom to do certain things, having a life companion, having someone to commit to, or even from not having to commit to someone etc. It’s really about finding the right balance of different forms of happiness that are most agreeable for you and your partner(s). Don’t think of these adjustments as compromises but as continuous improvement to find the right balance of different kinds of happiness.

With that being said, we don’t really need to refer to fairy tales or a role model couple. It’s only between us and our partners. As long as all parties in the relationship are working towards the sweet spot together, it’s a good relationship.

The IF multiverse of my life

In an alternate universe, I would be someone who spends more time in taking care of my own self. I would make sure my skin is smooth and flawless. I would make sure my body is well-toned and in great shape. I would make sure my hairline isn’t badly receding and that my hair is thick and lustrous. I would be so confident with my appearance that I gain so many followers on social media.

In another alternate universe, I would be so talented in producing artwork that attract people to come forward to appreciate it. My artwork would not be just aesthetically pleasing, but it also allows the viewers to ponder over and have engaging discussion on the topic that I try to express in the artwork.

In yet another alternate universe, I would be writing regularly on my blogs and have even gotten a bit of fame from it and become an influencer in the blogosphere. My writing would have helped many other young gay men to find comfort and understanding. Some would have come to me for advice and I would be taking my time to give my best advice if I have any.

All of the above cannot be achieved because I’ve chosen to be in the universe that I’m in right now, on the path that I’ve chosen now.

It’s not the first time that I find myself at crossroads of life like I am now. But I realise as I grow older, every time I’m at this state, I would be in deeper state of self doubt than before.

Is this what others call mid-life crisis, except I’ve been experiencing it every few years and it gets worse every time?

Escapist

Escapism means the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.

I was a very disciplined person. But over the years without realising, I’ve become like an escapist. When work gets overwhelming and feels like too much for me to handle, I lose my self regulation ability.

At first, I would feel dreaded to wake up for work. Sometimes, I would wish to fall sick and take a day off. I thnk many people are like that, too.

In recent years, it has become worse that I couldn’t gather my energy to prepare my meal, clean my dishes, take out the trash, clean my house, do my laundy, water my plants and various other housechores etc.

Lately for the past one year, it has gotten so bad that I would even skipped my meals, shower or brushing of my teeth. I couldn’t resist my mind’s call for leisure activities such as watching YouTube (even though there’s nothing specific that I want to watch), or playing games (I would do impulse buying for games and spent hours playing it daily for a few weeks before making another impulse purchase).

The worst part is that I lost my ability to regulate my urge to want to find things to do to distract myself from my work. When I start to watch YouTube or playing games, I would not stop even late at night. I tend to sacrifice my sleeping hours to get myself sufficiently entertained.

If I’m a character in The Sims, I must be a very badly played character. I overwork so much that I had to skip my night sleep to do leisure activities to raise my ‘Fun’ rating. Then the next day I don’t have enough ‘Sleep’ rating to work the next day.

I don’t have any idea how to get myself out of this mess now. Maybe I just need a short holiday. But I also doubt I can fully recover by a few days of break.

Perfect

I know, I know. Nobody is perfect. But I don’t get why some others can be so easy to settle with mediocre results.

Holding to higher level of standards are important but when you try too hard and it still doesn’t mean your desired level, it’s depressing. This is especially true when it is a collaborative effort that requires some others to complete the work together. When they have failed to meet your desired level over and over again, should you just stop pursuing the level you desired, or should you just do away with the people that can’t meet the standards?

I chose the former. But that seems to have negatively impacted the level of standards I have for myself. I start to let myself get by with mediocre results with the things I do at work and even in my life.

It’s dangerous to start to compromise on quality. When you start doing it once, there will be another time you’ll compromise on something even worse.

I’ve started to realise that I’ve become someone that always gives themselves an excuse to not do more for better results, to do less and be content with mediocre outcomes, to not do anything because it is what it is.

This is bad. I feel bad for myself.

How do I get back on being strict on myself? How do I get back on feeling the sense of accomplishment when achieving something of my standards?

Is it my fault for being influenced by people around me, whom are unable to deliver my expected outcome in the things that I entrust them to do?

How not to be influenced by them?

Social Media Following

Facebook. Instagram. Twitter. LINE. WeChat. Snapchat. Tiktok.

How many social media apps that you use on a regular basis? And how many people are you following?

What does following others mean to you? Do you truly pay attention to what they share?

If you follow several hundreds people on each app, are you able to really keep track of what they share?

Or do you just let the app’s algorithm to decide whose posting to show to you? Are you sure you want an app to decide for you whose updates is more important for you to know or who you should pay attention to?

I think the people in my life deserve my attention to them more. Social media has become an extension of myself to reach out to and get up-to-date with the people in my life more easily. I don’t want strangers that don’t really deserve my attention to take up too much of that space.

So do you know the people in your life better or do you know the strangers you follow on social media apps better?