Tag: thoughts

I find it both amusing and saddening that many Malaysian gay men either don’t understand what it means in the relationship status they are putting for themselves, or they don’t take relationship status seriously.

Call me a relationship-status nazi or whatever. I really think the statuses should mean what they are supposed to mean.

I see many young boys on Grindr simply put their relationship status as ‘engaged’ or ‘married’. Some single guys put their relationship status as ‘open relationship’.

Personally I think being ‘engaged’ should really mean being engaged. That is, the guy is getting married soon. If he’s getting married in Malaysia, then he will soon have a (straight) family, except this husband-to-be is a little gatal to know what is it like to have a relationship with a guy.

And I think if a guy’s relationship status is ‘married’, by right it should indicate that he probably is someone who has a wife or even children but is gatal to have a relationship with a guy, because Malaysia only recognises marriage between a man and a woman (or up to four women).

For gay couples who are in very stable relationships comparable to marriage, I think the right status is ‘partnered’. Malaysia does not recognise gay marriage. But if I’m not mistaken, ‘partnered’ is a status for couples in domestic partnerships or civil partnerships etc. in countries that recognise these relationships legally. So being ‘partnered’ is the closest possible status to refer to gay couples who are practically but not legally married.

And seriously, if you’re a single gay man who is very ‘open’-minded, or ‘open’ to any possibilities, that does not make you in an ‘open relationship’. Look it up before you put that as your relationship status!

Jangan gatal.

There are some questions raised by a reader from my previous post titled “A Beginner’s Guide as A Gay Person” in the comments. I tried to reply in the comments area itself but it’s too lengthy to be posted as a comment. So I’m replying his questions as a follow-up blog post here.

Here’s the question:

Hi! I have something to ask about point number 3…hmmm, supposedly those gay dating sites or grindr are for gay people to browse thru..however, I am also afraid that there may be straight homophobic people who are so free like they have got nothing else to do, who will purposely visits those site, just to hunt down gay guys around them whom they recognize, and exposing them to get fun.. do you think this will happen? I have not been to any gay dating sites, so maybe you can enlighten me about the possibility of that? or well maybe I am just being paranoid, hahah!

Again, too long, so click on the Read More link.

TL;DR: You’re not ready yet.

I’m glad someone asked this, because I had a similar worry too last time (if it is not asked, I’d have forgotten about it). Actually, I don’t have definite answers for the questions, but since the reason I wrote the blog post was that I want to share my experience with people who are starting to come out, I will try my best to clear this up a bit.

First, I can’t say for sure that there isn’t any possibility that this could happen. The point is totally valid.

But let’s put this into perspective a bit. Let’s start to think from asking, why would the guy visit a gay site? You may say it’s for fun and he’s too free, but those are not valid reasons, there should be more than those. The possibilities I can think of are:

1. He seems homophobic but deep down he’s gay, or at least curious.

   He’s probably curious and want to know more about gay. He’s probably suspecting that he’s gay too.

   If this is the case, then it’s quite unlikely for him to expose you in public, because others would question why is he in the gay site in the first place? By exposing you, people might start suspecting him being gay too, and that’s a big no-no for a homophobic person.

   So in this case, there’s nothing much to worry about. He might (or might not) come to you personally to confirm your sexuality, but he probably won’t make a fuss over it.

2. He hates you.

   Well maybe he doesn’t really hate you, but he dislikes you or is displeased with you. Maybe for some reasons, you got on his nerves. And at the same time, your behaviour is obvious enough for him (and very likely everyone else too) to reasonably suspect you being a gay person (after all, if you hide it well enough, who would suspect you’re gay?). So for him to relief his nerve on you, he followed his suspicion and went to a gay site to hunt you down.

   For that I think you can blame yourself for not being a nice person. But chances are, you’re pretty comfortable with the homo-suspicions around you already so you probably wouldn’t even care if anyone expose you.

Those are the two possibilities that I can think of, of which the worry about being exposed can be dismissed. But there might be other possibilities that didn’t come to my mind as well. So treat this as something to provoke your thoughts, not a definite solution.

Anyway, if a worry like this arises to you, it’s an indication that you’re not ready yet. Give yourself some time and take it slowly. You can test the water by not showing your face on the sites first (at the same time don’t expect too much for a serious relationship yet).

As time goes on, you’ll get more comfortable with yourself being gay. When the time comes, you won’t care that much if a homophobic guy who hates you would log on a gay site just to expose you. Yes, it’s possible that this could happen, but when your desire to find true gay friends and lover overcome your fear of being exposed as gay, you won’t care about those anymore.

I hope this can at least generate a little thinking process in your mind. Again, don’t take my advice as it is, because everyone’s circumstances are different.

I’m starting to notice that many who visit my blog (stealthily without commenting) are still in the closet, or sort of preparing themselves to start coming out. So as someone who have been through that (partially. I’m still not out to my family and most of my friends), I’ve learned about myself and the gay community quite a bit, too. I guess rather than keeping them for myself, might as well I write them down in a blog post, who knows they may help those who are just starting to accept that they are gay. But bear in mind that everyone’s circumstances are different so what applies to me may or may not apply to you.

This is going to be quite long, so click on Read More to continue reading.

1. Be comfortable with yourself as a gay person

   The first thing you need to do is to be comfortable with the fact that you’re gay. If you’re still struggling over why are you gay, then it’s too early to even think of coming out. Be careful when you’re still at this stage so you don’t accidentally come out to your friends or family. If you do, In Malaysia, you’ll probably get a bit too much pressure from the way people look at you and talk about you.

2. Be out to a few of your open-minded and trustworthy friends that you can talk to

   You need friends that you’re comfortable to talk to on matters related to your sexuality. You don’t need to have a lot of them—one or two of them will do. And they don’t have to be gay. In fact I think it’s better if they are straight and open-minded, especially when you’re beginning to coming out, because gay people can be as biased as straight people. It is sometimes more suitable to talk to a straight friend than a gay friend on certain matters (and vice versa) to get a different perspective, so you need to be smart on choosing the right person to talk to. And newly known gay friends should not be considered trustworthy, because they may have other things or motives in their mind that you don’t know.

   Most importantly, make sure that they are trustworthy enough for you to keep your secrets with them. After all, you don’t want them to go about and tell everyone else that you’re gay, at least not until you’re ready.

3. Be out to gay guys

   When you’re comfortable with yourself already, then you’re probably ready to be out to gay guys. This is pretty obvious and natural if you want to find a gay man to be your lover.

   I’ve come to realise that if you don’t even dare to show your face on gay dating sites or Grindr, chances are you won’t be taken too seriously (if you’re looking for a serious relationship).

   If you are worried that people who know you would recognise you from your photos, or that people who have seen your profile on the sites would expose that you’re gay, then you’re probably not ready yet. IMHO it goes pretty much without saying among gay guys that almost everyone maintains an ‘out’ and a ‘closeted’ identity. Normally no gay guys who have seen your profile on the sites would approach you when seeing you with your friends or family on the streets, because they don’t want the same to happen to them, too.

4. Be ready to get hurt emotionally

   This pretty much goes together with the previous point. If you’re looking for love, then you need to be ready to get hurt emotionally. Love when it does not turn out well hurts. Sometimes even before it begins, it already does. If you’re not ready to get hurt, then you’re not ready for love yet.

5. People are visual-oriented, so are gay guys

   Gay guys, like any other people, are very visual-oriented. It’s not right to choose who to become your friends from their appearance, but this is the way everyone (including the straight people) does.

   So stop whining about why people are only interested in good-looking guys. You know well that you’re also more interested in attractive people.

   Instead, get up and start working on your appearance. If you’re fat or skinny, adjust your diet, do some exercise or go to a gym. If you think you’re born with an ugly face, at least don’t do absurd things to your hair or wear absurd clothes to make yourself look worse, and probably also go to a gym to get a bit more toned up, and you may also want to go for sunbathing to tan yourself a bit. Chances are, you can use a more attractive body or a healthy skin colour to make up for the discount from your unattractive face. Just do whatever to make yourself more attractive.

6. Look for the alikes

   You know how good (or bad) you are. So aim for the ones that are around the same level as you. You’ll get hurt a lot if you always aim too high, but on the other hand you won’t treasure a relationship enough if you aim too low.

   If you’re ordinary looking, don’t go for the overly gorgeous looking ones. If they come to you, don’t get over-excited too. If you’re not highly educated, don’t expect too much from the highly educated ones because you guys may not have a lot in common. It’s not impossible for you to find a lover who is way better than you, but those cases are rare and not happening for the rest of us. If you insist to go for them, then be prepared to get hurt more (until you really find the right one).

7. Have good inner qualities and get rid of your bad qualities

   When you have a reasonably good appearance, you shouldn’t have problems getting to know gay guys. But to keep them interested in you and eventually settling in a serious relationship, you’ll need to have good inner qualities. Some people look for a sense of humour, some look for wisdom or knowledge, maturity in thinking, kind-heartedness, or caring and empathy etc.

   Suffice to say, the more good qualities you have, the more people can maintain their interest in you. Likewise, the more bad qualities you have, the more easily they will lose interest in you.

8. Be careful with invitations to meet

   The way the gay community has become (as compared to the straight people in Malaysia) is that gay people are not shy to actively look for sexual activities among themselves, so active that sometimes they ‘trick’ others who are naive to get laid on beds (this is a grey area, because the ones who are ‘tricked’ are also half-willingly to get laid). In any case, know what you want and be clear of what the other person wants, too.

   If you’re meeting up with a guy you’ve known from a dating site or Grindr, be aware of the place to meet. An invitation to a hotel room or to the person’s house is clearly an invitation to have sex or usually hinted as ‘fun’. Even if the guy says it’s only for hugging or cuddling, it will turn out to include other sexual activities as well. After all, what you guys are going to do after getting a boner from the hugs and cuddling? Whether you’re accepting the invitation is your choice but just don’t regret it.

These are what I can give as advice for the time being, as I’m still on my way to learn more too. I’ll probably update more as another blog post when I’ve learned more myself.