Tag: thoughts

Hundred Schools of Thoughts

There was a time when the Central Plain was in chaos. The feudal system started to dissolve as the king lost his power over his nobles. Five of the states rose to power. Historians call this period the Spring and Autumn Period.

The condition worsened when the smaller states were absorbed by the larger ones, and then the larger states started to fight each other over the smaller ones. The five superpowers became seven. Historians call this period of time the Warring States Period.

The constant warfare of those times bred the rise of scholars. They thought the society was ill, and it needs a good ideology to treat its illness. So they came out with various philosophies encompass a broad range of disciplines including ethics and morality, sociology, politics, military, culture and religion etc. They voiced and published their ideas and thoughts, debated them and preached for the adoption of their philosophies by various states to end the warfare. The amount of philosophers was so many that the time was called a time of Hundred Schools of Thoughts.

I think the state of Malaysia now, although not in warfare like those times, has a lot in common with the times. Many knowledgable and patriotic people of all walks of life rise to speak their minds. Views and opinions are aplenty and in varieties, but injustice and misconducts are not uncommon, too. Associating our times with the times of Hundred Schools of Thoughts may be too much of flattering to ourselves, but there are definitely a lot of things we can learn from the history and wisdom of the ancient people.

Small Talk

In Malaysia, I’m not sure what’s the right answer for questions like “how are you” or “how’s your day”. I think Westerners see them as a form of small talk, so the answer is always ‘good’ or ‘fine’. They only expect a reply, but they don’t care what you answer. Just like how we are taught in schools, for “How are you?”, the reply is always “I’m fine. Thank you.”

But many Malaysians see it like a real question and answer it by telling how they have not been good, how they’ve been busy etc. The grammar nazi in me feels like standing out to correct them, but I always brush it off. And it’s become so common among the people I talk to to the point that my responses like “I’m fine” are odd to them.

But surely I owe you an accurate answer! – http://xkcd.com/222/

I’m still undecided whether this should be considered a register or simply bad command of English among the people I talk to, but I’ll just stick with “I’m fine, thank you.”

Racial Preference

Do you have a special preference on what race your ideal partner should be?

I thought being a very ‘Chinese’ person, I would only be able to accept a Chinese guy, too. I was quite against interracial relationship for myself due to cultural difference. But it turns out race doesn’t really matter to me. What I mean is, if I fall in love with a Malay guy, it will be no different from falling for a Chinese guy. I still get the same lovey feeling, except when we go into a relationship, I might have to change my diet and lifestyle a bit. Other than that, love is still love, there’s no such thing as Chinese love or Malay love or Indian love. (Okay-lah if you’re more into sex, the same goes, too—there’s no Chinese sex, Malay sex or Indian sex.)

I think it’s okay to have a preference on the race you would like to be in a relationship with. Some guys even have a special fetish on a certain race other than their own. I know a Malay guy who prefers Chinese guys. When I asked for further explanation (because I couldn’t comprehend why), he told me that he’s fond of the ‘scent’ or pheromone of Chinese guys. I still don’t really understand, especially when I don’t even know if I can smell pheromones, but I accepted his explanation and respect his preference.

What I disagree with is to base our preferences merely on the prejudice we’ve got for other races. And unfortunately that happens to Chinese in Malaysia a lot, according to what I’ve seen. There’s a fallacy among many (but not all) Chinese that Chinese is more superior than other races in Malaysia. What is it based on? Nothing, other than the prejudice against other races that they were less hardworking, less smart etc. As Chinese, while I’m proud of my heritage and culture, I often feel ashamed by this notion among the Chinese people. That opinion itself is exactly the thing that makes us less superior than other races IMO.

Other than that, we ourselves as gay have been discriminated enough, why discriminate others too? We all know how it feels, right? Having prejudice against other races is a form of discrimination. Same goes to discrimination against effeminate guys or transexual people. We can disagree with the way they behave physically, or the way they dress up, but we should not judge them by those. We may prefer people of our own race due to cultural similarity, but not because we feel our race is more superior without any other further reasons.

Anyway, everyone is entitled to their opinion. As much as I’m against having sex with someone you don’t love, I can’t stop you from doing it. Same thing goes to this case. While I disagree with the preferences that are based on prejudice, the people with this kind of preferences can still keep them. The most I can do is only to advise and advocate on getting rid of the prejudice and prejudice-based preferences, but I can’t force you to submit to my opinion on this matter. It’s the very same human right concept that LGBT people have been fighting for, “self-determination”—everyone has their right to have the autonomy on their own matters, including but not limited to deciding who they are, how they live their lives, and what they think and do.

Of Serendipity

For two people to fall in love with each other and be in a relationship needs a lot more than the chemistry between the two. Being able to meet and get to know a person is serendipity. If both have the feelings for each other, it’s also serendipity. If everything is fine for the two to move on to a relationship, it’s also serendipity. To me, every part of it is about serendipity or yuanfen or fate, or whatever you want to call it.

Let’s say two people are fond of each other and both want to move into a relationship. But if one of them cannot spare sufficient time or effort to the relationship, I don’t think it will work out, no matter how right they feel for each other. The time is not in favour of them, which for me, I will conclude it as there’s not enough serendipity.

Likewise, if the two are willing to spare the time to ensure a relationship work out, but one of them doesn’t have enough chemistry on the other, things are unlikely to work well too. We can’t force a person to like us, and the same applies to the first case, too, we can’t force a person to spare enough time or effort to build a relationship.

But for me, serendipity is pretty ‘magical’. In the first case, the two may not have time for each other right now, but they may have it in the future. If both are single and still have the feelings for each other, then things may turn out well between them too. Likewise, in the second case, one of them may not have the feelings for the other right now, but he may have it in the future.

I have come to realise that there’s no need to cling to a person to beg for his time or effort to build a relationship. If he’s not free, it means he’s either not keen enough to spare a bit more time or effort, or simply he’s not ready in terms of time. In any case, there isn’t enough serendipity between us. The best thing I can do for myself is only to move on, on my own.

P.S.: I’m now on Twitter, too! Follow me there!

Straight Spouse

I recently came across the phrase 同妻 (lit. “a gay man’s wife”) which means straight spouse. It refers to the women who are married to gay men.

A Chinese news channel had a cover story on these straight spouses recently.

Guardian UK also had an article dated years ago on the marriages between a straight and a homosexual person and the coming out of the homosexual spouses. The straight spouses were generally supportive of their homosexual spouses when they came out even though they have divorced.

But that’s not the case for those straight spouses in the Chinese programme. Probably due to the norm of the society, the circumstances of the wives of homosexual husbands are usually not as optimistic as the ones from UK.

A rough estimate of the total number of straight spouses in China is said to be more than 10 million. That’s easily two times the population of the entire Singapore.

The plight of these Chinese straight spouses include unhappy family lives, domestic violence, higher risk of HIV, pressure of public opinion and gossips, pressure from family to have children, depression etc. I guess the most direct one is that how can a person be happy to marry someone that does not love him or her? And I can hardly imagine how devastating it is for a woman to find out that the man that promised her happiness and stability for the rest of her life is gay.

Quoting from another Chinese TV programme that made the coverage on this issue, ‘due to the ignorance of the traditional society, under the pressure from public opinion, 90 percent of gay man in China choose marriage, but most of their spouses know nothing about it.’

The keyword here is ignorance. Doesn’t that sound similar to the Malaysian society?

The ignorance causes the heartbreaking stories and perturbing plight of the straight spouses. By making the society more homophobic, we will only produce more of these straight spouses in distress. Do we really want this in Malaysia?

So don’t try to marry a girl when you know or even suspect you’re gay.

30-year-old Milestone

I’ve heard people talking about the 30-year-old milestone for women. 30 is a big number for women. For those who are already in relationships, they want to get married before they reach this age. But for those not in relationships, they want to find the right man before 30.

I think the same applies to gay guys too.

I got to know a guy in his late 20’s. He told me that he wants to find someone to settle down with. Hearing that from him, the talks of the 30-year-old milestone came to my mind. I suddenly realised that he’s having the symptoms of facing the approaching milestone.

That backed me off a bit. And I stopped contacting him. It’s not that I do not want to find someone to settle down with, but I wasn’t sure about my feelings towards him, and I didn’t know how long it would take for me to confirm the feelings. So I thought it’s probably better for him to look for someone else rather than wasting his time on me being uncertain. I’m pretty sure if I were him, I wouldn’t want to spend my critical year approaching 30, on a guy who might end up not the right person for me.

Somehow that 30-year-old milestone thing keeps wandering in my mind after that. Some guys are most attractive when they are around 30, but I’m pretty sure that for me, I would be even less attractive than I am right now. I would be as anxious as the guy to look for the right person by that time.

While I know well I must not rush into a relationship, I can’t help to worry a little about my 30-year-old milestone too because time really flies.

Maybe I should really divert my attention to doing something else rather than thinking about this.