thoughts – Page 2 – Musings of a Homosexualist

Writing

Apparently I really wrote a lot in the past. I’ve had as many as 90 draft posts with different levels of completion. Some with only the title and little to no content for me to even I recall what I wanted to write. Some were pretty much completed but unpublished, probably because I felt inappropriate to publish them.

I cannot recollect how lonely I was to have written so much.

I think writing was really a good practice that helped me to become a grown man I am today. I was able to get through so much myself thanks to how regular I wrote back then.

If you are feeling lonely and misunderstood, or if you always feel like hiding from the crowd or even wish to become transparent, try writing down your thoughts. And then organise them, tag them, decorate them. Your mind will thank you.

Maybe no one will read it. But that’s okay. You’ll be reading it someday in the future.

All shall be well

Having briefly read my blog posts in the past, I can’t help thinking what I was experiencing back then was so insignificant compared to what I’ve been through in the past six years when I did not blog.

If you are currently feeling lost or destitute from a broken relationship, I can assure you that all shall be well. Six years ago, I was writing about how much I was struggling to recover from my breakup. But now that I look at it again, that little breakup for a barely existed relationship is nothing compared to what I’ve experienced during these six years.

I’ve gotten into relationships with two other guys after that. Broke up three times, two times with the same guy. Got clinically diagnosed for anxiety disorder and lost my job, together with the rewards I earned from it. Lost my only best friend (maybe that’s why I’m writing again). And the worst was having lost myself from substance abuse.

But it’s really not all that bad. I’m still alive and healthy. In fact, I kick ass at work. I got back up so quickly from each and every fall I had in my life. Now that I read about what happened from the last writings, I just realised that I’ve been through such a roller coaster ride in a mere six years. So much so that I actually look forward for what I’m gonna experience in the next six years.

Anyway… So, to you who are still feeling bad for yourself for that recent heart-wrenching breakup, all shall be well. Truth to be told, you will experience something worse than what you are experiencing now, in years to come. But even with that, all shall still be well. You’ll come back so much stronger and quicker than you think you could.

Remember, all shall be well.

Only you and yourself will be the eternal source of light and hope for yourself. So sing this song to yourself 🙂

What Really Heals A Broken Heart

Apparently the best healing potion for me is meeting someone new.

After almost three months of tumbling and crawling up and holding up with a wounded heart, I finally see some signs of myself really getting over A.

Time might have worked. But I’m running out of time.

I’m quite convinced that to get a good relationship, the only way is to be in relationships, not simultaneously, of course. But experience in handling a relationship really helps to make the following relationships better.

I’m glad that I could quickly make myself start looking again. And I’m lucky enough to meet someone that strikes a chord.

But of course, before I met him, there were several false positives.

I’m hopeful but not holding my breath for it (hopefully).

How to Pick Up the Pieces from a Breakup

From my recent episodes, I’m picking up the pieces to move on. While I’m on it, I’m writing down how I’m doing it, just in case they are helpful for anyone in the future.

DISCLAIMER: These are what I do for myself now. They may or may not apply well to you, so decide well on how you’re going to deal with your breakup.

Make yourself let go of the relationship

Reckon the fact that it’s over. If you can’t, do something that make you know it’s over. Get clarifications from him, or his friends. Think over what happened and reason things out for yourself. You might end up thinking that he has a reason that he can’t tell you for doing it, or that he can’t stand some part of you. Whichever that you concluded, make sure you’re able to give up on the relationship. The best one for me is still thinking that he can’t stand some parts of me. That reminds me of what Marilyn Monroe said, “If you can’t stand the worst part of me, you don’t deserve the best part of me.”
Cry

Crying is a way to relief yourself. Do not think that a man must not cry like a woman. You can cry, be it alone or with your close friends. If you are like me, feeling embarrassed to cry in front of your friends, or have no close friends to cry to, then listen to melancholy songs or soppy series or movies, and cry on them. It feels better, even if you are not crying for the loss, but for the movies.
Do something meaningful

Do not give up of your daily lives by living like a zombie. Just because you had a breakup doesn’t mean your life is done. You still have to live, so live your life to the fullest. Do something meaningful. Do something that brings you value. E.g. go to a gym more often to shape up yourself, go for more sports events to exercise more, learn to swim or cook or dive or Photoshop or anything that you have always wanted to learn. Productivity is the key here. Make sure you gain something out of the things you do. Don’t let the loss turning you haggard or obese or skinny or anyway you don’t want to be.
Continue looking for the right guy

Having yourself totally letting go of the relationship, you can move on the continue looking for the right guy. You may still think about him and that’s okay because you have gotten used to having him in your life. But you know it’s over and it’s time to move on. Look for someone that deserve you more. Have outings. But when you have to decide whether to proceed into a relationship with the new guy, make sure you’re completely off from your previous relationship.

Starting Anew

In another few days, I’m going to relocate myself to KL again. I’m quite excited for the move. The first thing is of course I can start anew—new place, new housemates, new company, new colleagues, new friends.

I haven’t told any of my existing friends on my move (except those that I have no choice but to let them know). Partially because I want to experiment and simulate living in a completely new place, without any friends and family.

Another part of it is that I’m planning to live openly as a gay guy—not having to hide my sexuality. IMO, letting newly known people know that I’m gay should be easier than coming out to existing friends. That’s because we have established relationships with existing friends, so we are more afraid of losing existing friends than of losing someone we just get to know. That’s why I’ve decided that for me, I should come out to my new friends first.

I haven’t planned exactly how I’m going to come out to my new friends, and I probably won’t plan anything in an actionable manner. To me, too much planning on certain matters sometimes will eventually cause more disappointment. Usually when we plan on something, we are putting expectations on how it should work. The more we plan, the higher we expect, and the higher we expect, the more we feel disappointed when things don’t go according to our plans. So to avoid the disappointments and whatnots, I’m not going to plan anything specific. Planning to come out to new friends before existing friends is probably the most specific I can plan already.

Of course I don’t think I can hide my whereabouts from my existing friends for long. The area where I’m going to live and work at is just around the area where I used to live. I may bump into my existing friends anytime. When the time comes, that’s probably the time I need to start preparing to come out to (or even to be found out as gay by) my existing friends already. That can be in a few months, or a few years. For that I will let my fate to decide.

Sounds like a challenging plan, and I’m not sure if I can handle it. But I guess it’s about time I do something about my closeted self, because I might not be able to get a better opportunity to do something about it in the future.

Otaku

The word ‘otaku’ is from Japanese language which means a homebody who often with an obsession about something (usually anime, manga, games or other indoor hobbies). The original meaning of otaku means ‘home’ or ‘you’, written as お宅 in Japanese. But later, the meaning extended to its current modern slang form and written in hiragana おたく or katagana オタク to be distinguished from the original meaning.

In Japanese language, the word often carries negative meaning, but when used in a specific context, it can be an equivalent to ‘geek’, most of time it means an anime or manga fan, not necessarily with social ineptness.

In Chinese language, the word 宅, which is a valid Chinese character, is taken directly to mean the otaku-ness, or as an adjective of being an otaku (despite its original meaning in Chinese language which also means home). A male otaku in Chinese is called a 宅男, whereas the female equivalent is 腐女 (lit. rotten female).

Despite its loan nature from Japanese language, the word 宅男, when being used in Chinese language, is generally understood as a homebody, without the specific obsession part in the more often usage of otaku.

This song with the title ‘宅’ by Leo Ku uses a very smart play of the word. The theme of the song is about a lonely guy who became a homebody due to being single (implying that he ended a relationship). The lyricist uses the word 宅 to replace all occurrences of 在 in this song for their similar pronunciation, and verbalises the word 宅, effectively emphasises the theme and the title of the song. Creative. I haven’t seen this kind of wordplay in other songs.

That being said, I really like this song for its creative value, and also the relevance of its lyrics to me.

宅
作词：吴向飞;陈烈
作曲：曹轩宾

一个人的房间和一个人的枕边
喧嚣的世界被挡在外面
潜水是种习惯别人看不见
白天当作黑夜黑夜当作白天

不想让谁改变也不想为谁改变
最害怕看见陌生人的脸
游荡网路之间从来不留言
很多时间没有谁看过我一眼

宅这个城市里宅某一个角落
只有寂寞才不会拒绝我
想像这个我并不是真的我
是某个人在扮演我

宅这个城市里宅一个人生活
只有寂寞才不会拒绝我
外面灯火栏栅我已习惯了
关上门这样静静的
关上我这样静静的
一个人就这样静静的

空荡荡的房间和空荡荡的身边
不用为了谁再努力表演
同类已经不多我不怕寂寞
我害怕面对很多人无话可说

语言慢慢退化借微博宣泄一下
一想到聚会就莫名害怕
独处是好习惯别人看不见
我在这个城市陪着自己聊天

宅个城市里宅某一个角落
只有寂寞才不会拒绝我
也许最安全的就是这一刻
没有人在乎的沉默

宅这个城市里宅一个人生活
只有寂寞才不会拒绝我
外面灯火栏栅我已习惯了
关上门这样静静的
关上我这样静静的
一个人这样静静的

宅个城市里宅某一个角落
只有寂寞才不会拒绝我
也许最安全的就是这一刻
没有人在乎的沉默

宅这个城市里宅一个人生活
只有寂寞才不会拒绝我
外面灯火栏栅我已习惯了
关上门这样静静的
关上我这样静静的
习惯了就这样静静的