Tag: random

No, it’s not about distributing my friends. And I don’t distribute my friends.

I’m not someone who can make genuine connexion with others easily. Not because I am emotionless, but because I don’t want to. Even though all these years I’ve learned exactly which button on myself to push to connect to people, I choose not to do it with people in general.

I feel more comfortable this way. It’s just the way I am—I enjoy solitude. People, especially those whom I don’t know well enough, are a huge source of uncertainty to me, and uncertainty causes me anxiety. My mind appreciates predictability. Or at least a well gauged risk level that I am confident to take on.

Oh, so engineering minded. Risk management. Estimations and forecasts.

Self flattery aside, I value genuine connexion more than anyone that I know of does. To me, if I’m going to spend the effort to get to know someone, I might as well go all the way and be genuinely interested in maintaining the connexion with them. It’s a waste of effort to make shallow, negligible connexions.

My definition of what is considered not shallow is uncommonly stringent for most people. Most people considered themselves to have many good friends. I have very few of them.

The reason of such distribution for me is because I suppose I distribute them based on the function of efficency. The cost of maintaining relationships gets exponentially high for me as the closeness increases. The cost to maintain the level of closeness with a bosom friend is probably 100,000 times of that to do maintain the level of closeness with a fair-weather friend, and for a good friend is probably 10,000 times more than that for a fair-weather friend.

And me being me, I simply have less capacity to maintain relationships than most people do. It’s very energy-draining for me.

Sorry for this meaningless post. Maybe I just needed an excuse to draw a satisfying chart. Or three.