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Racial Preference

Do you have a special preference on what race your ideal partner should be?

I thought being a very ‘Chinese’ person, I would only be able to accept a Chinese guy, too. I was quite against interracial relationship for myself due to cultural difference. But it turns out race doesn’t really matter to me. What I mean is, if I fall in love with a Malay guy, it will be no different from falling for a Chinese guy. I still get the same lovey feeling, except when we go into a relationship, I might have to change my diet and lifestyle a bit. Other than that, love is still love, there’s no such thing as Chinese love or Malay love or Indian love. (Okay-lah if you’re more into sex, the same goes, too—there’s no Chinese sex, Malay sex or Indian sex.)

I think it’s okay to have a preference on the race you would like to be in a relationship with. Some guys even have a special fetish on a certain race other than their own. I know a Malay guy who prefers Chinese guys. When I asked for further explanation (because I couldn’t comprehend why), he told me that he’s fond of the ‘scent’ or pheromone of Chinese guys. I still don’t really understand, especially when I don’t even know if I can smell pheromones, but I accepted his explanation and respect his preference.

What I disagree with is to base our preferences merely on the prejudice we’ve got for other races. And unfortunately that happens to Chinese in Malaysia a lot, according to what I’ve seen. There’s a fallacy among many (but not all) Chinese that Chinese is more superior than other races in Malaysia. What is it based on? Nothing, other than the prejudice against other races that they were less hardworking, less smart etc. As Chinese, while I’m proud of my heritage and culture, I often feel ashamed by this notion among the Chinese people. That opinion itself is exactly the thing that makes us less superior than other races IMO.

Other than that, we ourselves as gay have been discriminated enough, why discriminate others too? We all know how it feels, right? Having prejudice against other races is a form of discrimination. Same goes to discrimination against effeminate guys or transexual people. We can disagree with the way they behave physically, or the way they dress up, but we should not judge them by those. We may prefer people of our own race due to cultural similarity, but not because we feel our race is more superior without any other further reasons.

Anyway, everyone is entitled to their opinion. As much as I’m against having sex with someone you don’t love, I can’t stop you from doing it. Same thing goes to this case. While I disagree with the preferences that are based on prejudice, the people with this kind of preferences can still keep them. The most I can do is only to advise and advocate on getting rid of the prejudice and prejudice-based preferences, but I can’t force you to submit to my opinion on this matter. It’s the very same human right concept that LGBT people have been fighting for, “self-determination”—everyone has their right to have the autonomy on their own matters, including but not limited to deciding who they are, how they live their lives, and what they think and do.

Of Serendipity

For two people to fall in love with each other and be in a relationship needs a lot more than the chemistry between the two. Being able to meet and get to know a person is serendipity. If both have the feelings for each other, it’s also serendipity. If everything is fine for the two to move on to a relationship, it’s also serendipity. To me, every part of it is about serendipity or yuanfen or fate, or whatever you want to call it.

Let’s say two people are fond of each other and both want to move into a relationship. But if one of them cannot spare sufficient time or effort to the relationship, I don’t think it will work out, no matter how right they feel for each other. The time is not in favour of them, which for me, I will conclude it as there’s not enough serendipity.

Likewise, if the two are willing to spare the time to ensure a relationship work out, but one of them doesn’t have enough chemistry on the other, things are unlikely to work well too. We can’t force a person to like us, and the same applies to the first case, too, we can’t force a person to spare enough time or effort to build a relationship.

But for me, serendipity is pretty ‘magical’. In the first case, the two may not have time for each other right now, but they may have it in the future. If both are single and still have the feelings for each other, then things may turn out well between them too. Likewise, in the second case, one of them may not have the feelings for the other right now, but he may have it in the future.

I have come to realise that there’s no need to cling to a person to beg for his time or effort to build a relationship. If he’s not free, it means he’s either not keen enough to spare a bit more time or effort, or simply he’s not ready in terms of time. In any case, there isn’t enough serendipity between us. The best thing I can do for myself is only to move on, on my own.

P.S.: I’m now on Twitter, too! Follow me there!

Giving In

A close friend from high school drove 2.5 hours to my town to meet me. Partly because he’s free and also because he’s leaving Malaysia for further studies. Anyway, that’s so kind of him to come to see me on this special day of mine. Probably he knew I have been lonely and I need someone to talk to.

I haven’t been speaking my mind to anyone for such a long time. I think the last time was also when he visited, probably 8 months ago.

All this while, I thought my mental power was strong enough to keep everything in myself. But I’m starting to realise that’s not true. Especially after meeting my friend today, whatever that’s been in me for the past few months were all out at once. I needed someone to speak my mind to so badly, but I didn’t realise it until my mind flushed almost everything out to him before I knew it.

I don’t know how I’ve lived for the past one year. Not only I don’t have a close friend to speak my mind to, I don’t even have friends that I can meet and hang out with. In fact, I don’t even see anyone other than my family, not even my neighbours.

Suddenly I feel it’s time for me to give in to reality, stop all the day-dreaming, stop all my ‘temporary’ freelancing for achieving what I dream about, look for a ‘proper’ job, working from 8 to 5, get a stable income and live a normal life.

Dreams and ambitions are probably not for a person like me.

I feel the urge to move back to KL.

I should let all the thoughts settle down a bit before I make a decision and tell anyone about it. I have to constantly remind myself not to make any impulse decisions.

清明省思

每年的这个时候，我都会想用中文来写博文，也许是因为中文终究还是最亲近我的语言。

回头看看这24年来，自己做过了什么，完成了什么，达成了什么，还想要做什么，才发现自己好像做了很多事情，却又什么也没有完成，想要做很多事情，却又什么也没达成。

事业无成，伊人未见，家下不和。

回想起刚中学毕业的我，个性直率坦荡，敢做敢当，爱恨分明。嘴巴从不饶人，得罪的人不少，但是懂得欣赏的人也不乏。任性却有所坚持，易怒却易恕，狂妄自大却也受到认同。

看看八年后今天的我，个性虽然变得比较圆滑，喜恶不露于眉目之间，却是以面具示人。爱不敢说，恨不敢讲，口不出恶言得罪人，却也变得窝囊废。任性依旧却无法持之以恒，有怒气都往肚子里吞，内心自大却不敢表露，总是瞻前顾后，要为自己留个台阶下。简单来说，不外乎爱面子、贪慕虚荣和虚伪。

有谁来捡回那个从前的我？

 

每年的这一天都是那么感伤，但是又深知无谓执着。人生不过尔尔，明天一样要过，明年一样要过。就像唐诗《清明》一样，看似感伤，实则不过是大自然规律。用上“断魂”二字甚至让人联想到伤心欲绝、肝肠寸断，细读考究后其实不然，也不过是被雨水打得狼狈罢了，雨过天晴后一切回复原貌。

杜牧《清明》

清明时节雨纷纷，
路上行人欲断魂。
借问酒家何处有，
牧童遥指杏花村。

偶读诗书，附庸风雅一番。

 

这几天情绪低落，又适逢清明，所以写的尽是没有人要看的情绪垃圾，还望多包含。

Emo

It feels stupid. I know how to give advice to people on their problems but I can’t solve mine.

医人者不能自医

What exactly do I want?

Damn, I hate myself.

Sorry, I can no longer hold myself from posting this.

Straight Spouse

I recently came across the phrase 同妻 (lit. “a gay man’s wife”) which means straight spouse. It refers to the women who are married to gay men.

A Chinese news channel had a cover story on these straight spouses recently.

Guardian UK also had an article dated years ago on the marriages between a straight and a homosexual person and the coming out of the homosexual spouses. The straight spouses were generally supportive of their homosexual spouses when they came out even though they have divorced.

But that’s not the case for those straight spouses in the Chinese programme. Probably due to the norm of the society, the circumstances of the wives of homosexual husbands are usually not as optimistic as the ones from UK.

A rough estimate of the total number of straight spouses in China is said to be more than 10 million. That’s easily two times the population of the entire Singapore.

The plight of these Chinese straight spouses include unhappy family lives, domestic violence, higher risk of HIV, pressure of public opinion and gossips, pressure from family to have children, depression etc. I guess the most direct one is that how can a person be happy to marry someone that does not love him or her? And I can hardly imagine how devastating it is for a woman to find out that the man that promised her happiness and stability for the rest of her life is gay.

Quoting from another Chinese TV programme that made the coverage on this issue, ‘due to the ignorance of the traditional society, under the pressure from public opinion, 90 percent of gay man in China choose marriage, but most of their spouses know nothing about it.’

The keyword here is ignorance. Doesn’t that sound similar to the Malaysian society?

The ignorance causes the heartbreaking stories and perturbing plight of the straight spouses. By making the society more homophobic, we will only produce more of these straight spouses in distress. Do we really want this in Malaysia?

So don’t try to marry a girl when you know or even suspect you’re gay.