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Well. Today I’m not going to talk about my gay life and thoughts. Instead, I would like to talk about my work.

My work is no good. Maybe I do not have enough experience in workplaces to know what is a good job. Or maybe I’m just too ambitious and idealistic.

To many, my work is good. The pay is slightly more than average (although lowest in the industry). I get to travel from time to time. Currently I get to travel domestically, and most probably will get the chance to travel overseas in a few years. The benefits provided by the company is good, although in exchange I have to comply to some of the seemingly ridiculous codes of conducts.

I want to work in technical field of my background, but ended up in a management work due to hardly avoidable circumstances. Doing management work means I have to deal with budgeting for the department, collecting training plans, keeping track of and giving out stationaries, sending documents to other departments, booking flight tickets and hotels for business trips etc. On the other hand, if I were to be in a technical job, I only need to have the know-hows on the technical side, and the most non-technical thing that I would have to do is only my claims and allowance. It really makes a difference to me when I’m so passionate with my technical skills and knowledge but I’m forced to work on a largely non-related job and not able to resign for a long time. I’m totally not good in doing management work as I’ve realized long ago since my uni days. I don’t do well in managing clubs and events – to certain extends, I don’t even manage myself well. God knows why the hell my employer insists on taking someone who is not good in managing to do management work.

The pay I get now is higher than working in my technical field. But it doesn’t make sense to me to earn more money in exchange of doing what I don’t want to do. I would rather get a lower pay doing something slightly more of my interest where I’m more skillful and confident in.

It is so sad for a 21-y.o. young chap like me to graduate so early. I feel like I haven’t enjoyed my teen life enough before my working life. I know well of the good old Chinese saying “吃得苦中苦，方为人上人”, which means a person who can endure the most suffering sufferings will become the best person among the people. But I think I’m more of a hedonist and I’m not that ambitious to be the best person. ;P

Okay, enough ranting. Tomorrow is another working day. =S

Well, reality.

When someone ‘friend’/’heart’/’message’ you, you put a cold shoulder to him because he doesn’t look good enough for you. And when you ‘friend’/’heart’/’message’ someone else, he cold-shoulders you because you don’t look good enough for him.

Reality.

I put my travelling status on the gay social networking site that I have joined recently. The next day, there’s a sudden pop on the message in my inbox. All of them come from my travel destination, either asking to meet up or befriend with me.

It’s obvious. They are not exactly looking for friends, but some no-strings attached actions.

I’m conservative. I think love should come before sex. Therefore, I told myself only to have sexual relationship with the one I love.

I really need to snap out of this… but I’m struggling.

I logged in with hope to see something that I wish to see again. I really shouldn’t have placed hope on this – I should know how unlikely it would come true.

Hey, please wake up. Don’t get drown in the false hopes. Your life, real life needs to go on.

scared of feeling disappointed.

scared of being hated.

scared of getting exposed.

I’m so stupid………………..