How many social media apps that you use on a regular basis? And how many people are you following?
What does following others mean to you? Do you truly pay attention to what they share?
If you follow several hundreds people on each app, are you able to really keep track of what they share?
Or do you just let the app’s algorithm to decide whose posting to show to you? Are you sure you want an app to decide for you whose updates is more important for you to know or who you should pay attention to?
I think the people in my life deserve my attention to them more. Social media has become an extension of myself to reach out to and get up-to-date with the people in my life more easily. I don’t want strangers that don’t really deserve my attention to take up too much of that space.
So do you know the people in your life better or do you know the strangers you follow on social media apps better?
It’s weird. It’s been years I got out of closet. But recently I just found out that I actually got myself into another closet with other secrets that I cannot disclose to most others.
No, it’s not about distributing my friends. And I don’t distribute my friends.
I’m not someone who can make genuine connexion with others easily. Not because I am emotionless, but because I don’t want to. Even though all these years I’ve learned exactly which button on myself to push to connect to people, I choose not to do it with people in general.
I feel more comfortable this way. It’s just the way I am—I enjoy solitude. People, especially those whom I don’t know well enough, are a huge source of uncertainty to me, and uncertainty causes me anxiety. My mind appreciates predictability. Or at least a well gauged risk level that I am confident to take on.
Oh, so engineering minded. Risk management. Estimations and forecasts.
Self flattery aside, I value genuine connexion more than anyone that I know of does. To me, if I’m going to spend the effort to get to know someone, I might as well go all the way and be genuinely interested in maintaining the connexion with them. It’s a waste of effort to make shallow, negligible connexions.
My definition of what is considered not shallow is uncommonly stringent for most people. Most people considered themselves to have many good friends. I have very few of them.
How a person’s friends are distributed by level of closeness in general
How my friends are distributed by level of closeness
The reason of such distribution for me is because I suppose I distribute them based on the function of efficency. The cost of maintaining relationships gets exponentially high for me as the closeness increases. The cost to maintain the level of closeness with a bosom friend is probably 100,000 times of that to do maintain the level of closeness with a fair-weather friend, and for a good friend is probably 10,000 times more than that for a fair-weather friend.
Function of effort required to maintain closeness to closeness
And me being me, I simply have less capacity to maintain relationships than most people do. It’s very energy-draining for me.
Sorry for this meaningless post. Maybe I just needed an excuse to draw a satisfying chart. Or three.
Apparently I really wrote a lot in the past. I’ve had as many as 90 draft posts with different levels of completion. Some with only the title and little to no content for me to even I recall what I wanted to write. Some were pretty much completed but unpublished, probably because I felt inappropriate to publish them.
I cannot recollect how lonely I was to have written so much.
I think writing was really a good practice that helped me to become a grown man I am today. I was able to get through so much myself thanks to how regular I wrote back then.
If you are feeling lonely and misunderstood, or if you always feel like hiding from the crowd or even wish to become transparent, try writing down your thoughts. And then organise them, tag them, decorate them. Your mind will thank you.
Maybe no one will read it. But that’s okay. You’ll be reading it someday in the future.
Having briefly read my blog posts in the past, I can’t help thinking what I was experiencing back then was so insignificant compared to what I’ve been through in the past six years when I did not blog.
If you are currently feeling lost or destitute from a broken relationship, I can assure you that all shall be well. Six years ago, I was writing about how much I was struggling to recover from my breakup. But now that I look at it again, that little breakup for a barely existed relationship is nothing compared to what I’ve experienced during these six years.
I’ve gotten into relationships with two other guys after that. Broke up three times, two times with the same guy. Got clinically diagnosed for anxiety disorder and lost my job, together with the rewards I earned from it. Lost my only best friend (maybe that’s why I’m writing again). And the worst was having lost myself from substance abuse.
But it’s really not all that bad. I’m still alive and healthy. In fact, I kick ass at work. I got back up so quickly from each and every fall I had in my life. Now that I read about what happened from the last writings, I just realised that I’ve been through such a roller coaster ride in a mere six years. So much so that I actually look forward for what I’m gonna experience in the next six years.
Anyway… So, to you who are still feeling bad for yourself for that recent heart-wrenching breakup, all shall be well. Truth to be told, you will experience something worse than what you are experiencing now, in years to come. But even with that, all shall still be well. You’ll come back so much stronger and quicker than you think you could.
Remember, all shall be well.
Only you and yourself will be the eternal source of light and hope for yourself. So sing this song to yourself 🙂
It’s been a long time since I last wrote down my thoughts in a blog. The previous blog, after all, was a place for me to put down thoughts that I dare not tell anyone else. After I’ve come out, the blog has practically lost its purpose for me.
Ever since I’ve decided to come out and reconcile with my own identity, I’ve been so caught up in my life. It was also around that time that I was so overloaded by work and hardly had time for my own self, let alone to spend time writing down my thoughts properly.
A lot has changed since then. If you’ve read my writing in the past, a heads-up for you is that you would probably feel that the new KC is quite different from the old Rotiboy. Many views that I used to feel strongly about are not longer so for me. Many decisions I made for myself then were overturned over the years. Many promises I made to myself back then were also broken.
On the side note, I hardly have any regrets for the changes I made to myself so far. Most of the changes happened to me are for the better. A few are for the worse, but to me, the better way to deal with bad decisions made is to acknowledge it and move on. Regrets make people live in the past and stop moving forward.
Anyway, if you know Rotiboy by my writing in the past, I invite you to get to know KC as well. And please bear with me if you notice an abrupt change in me from my blog post. After all, it has been more than five years since October 2014.
Musings of a Homosexualist 