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噩梦

半夜被一场噩梦惊醒。堂堂男子汉竟然也会有噩梦，可笑。

我梦见我做出伤害家人的事。

两个星期前，我原本高高兴兴地想要趁我还在这里工作时，带家人来KL玩。百忙中筹备了快一个月。终于把在全马各地的家人聚在一起。怎知道去玩的前一晚，跟家人大吵一顿。

家人委婉地提出不希望我从事回以前的工作。虽然委婉，但是在我就要离开的前一个月——在当我已经为离开的所有，和离开后的一切都打点好后，才向我表示他们不赞成。

其实之前不是没在电话上提过，不过我以为我成功说服了他们，那时过后他们一直都没说什么，一直到两个星期前的那天。

我知道我这样的决定是一个自私的决定。我考虑了很久，为的就是找到一个对家人和身边每个人冲击最小的方式来完成自己的志愿。尽了所有考虑的可能后，终于决定了一条自己该走的路，一条对身边的人冲击最小的路。

我知道家人大概很难真正明白我要走的路，虽然我已经试过解释给他们听了。他们虽然明白我所解释的，但正如我早就预料到了的，他们是没办法理解我为什么我会想要走这条路，所以我不奢望他们会鼓励我，不过只要是不反对我的决定，我就当作是一种支持了。

一直到两个星期前，我才知道，由始至终，他们都是反对的。而且还在最后的关键时刻才表明立场。

在那之后，他们反对我的决定和跟我大吵的那一幕，每三天两头就出现在我梦里。每次梦到最后，半梦半醒中，我跟家人完全闹翻、对妈妈冷漠让她痛心、什么都不管就远走高飞，等等诸如此类的结束画面，每次都把我惊醒。

我有千百个离开这里的理由，却又不知道该从何说起，许多说起来对别人会是可笑的，但对我而言是重要的。我清楚知道自己要的是什么，做得到的是什么，而且我具备了大多数人没有的、那份离开安逸生活的勇气，这是多么难得的！

可是家人突入起来的这一击，让我饱受煎熬。家庭观很重的我实在没有办法撇下他们的异议不管。那天吵完后，表面上他们看起来是妥协了，但是他们不晓得他们在这么关键的时候这么一闹，让我没办法坚定地踏下这一步，我甚至不知道要用什么心态回到家里去面对他们、去度过在家里工作两年的计划。有时脑海里甚至会出现我一走了之，不管家人死活反对的情景。

我不明白，我家人难道没想过在这种时候提出反对，就算再怎么有理也只会造成伤害。我现在的工作早在两个月前就辞掉了，三个月的预警期就快届满；我租的房间也已经退了，租到十二月底就不租了；我也已经答应接受我的新工作了，新工作的email甚至都已经开始有往来了；我已经向所有问我的人说了，我的新工作是在家里做的（work from home），所以辞职生效后我会回到我家去……这些种种都已经做了，我还能有退路吗？这个时候反对，我又能做什么来迎合你们？你们知不知道你们这时候提出反对，是对我非常残忍的吗？你们可知道要走到这一步需要多少勇气？你们可知道我将来的成败就看我走的够不够坚定？你们可知道我每个几天就会被这噩梦惊醒，害我生活乱了调？

我只能说为了家里的安宁、为了家人好，我把多少事情藏在心里，偷偷为了家人而做了让自己痛苦的决定。种种的决定没人了解、没人知道，都没关系，因为它们本来就不该让家人知道。但在我这仅存的、没办法放弃的梦想，却被家人这样伤害，受过的种种苦楚，因为心酸，突然倍增了。

我知道只有真正关心我的人才会反对，但是关心归关心，还是没办法抹去他们的反对对我未来要走的路，和对我的伤害。

人在面对无法解决的问题时，就会下意识地想逃避。我想一走了之的念头就是我潜意识给我的逃避方案。它是不对的、不正面的，但是我却没办法杜绝它在脑海里浮现，甚至会有股冲动想要就这么办，因为我实在是乏力面对这个问题了。

我好想逃。

independent and self-sufficient

perhaps i was too used to putting hope in having a person to talk to, when in actual fact i don’t really need one.

it turns out i can hardly talk about things regarding my homosexuality with the friend that i recently found out to be gay. he’s gay, and so am i. but there’s something unexplainable on this, i just feel he might not be as matured-thinking as i am (although we are around the same age) and we are talking to each other at a different frequency.

actually there’s nothing to be glad about finding out a friend is gay, because that doesn’t mean he is someone i can have a deep talk to.. and in fact i didn’t realize i actually don’t need to have that kind of deep talk with anyone.

so it is good being independent and self-sufficient.

i think i have got used to keep everything in myself without going crazy, i think my heart and mind can take it, even though it usually takes a little hard time at first in my previous experience. but as compared to what i’ve been through, this is nothing.

friend who is gay

during my away for months, i got to know a lot of people, possibly the most ever i got to know in such a short period of time. and i kept contact with some of them.

it was until today i got to know that one of them is gay. i wasn’t surprised as there were one clue on him,  although not an absolute indicator, which made me had a blink of mind that he might be gay.
likewise, when i told him on msn that i probably will not get married for the rest of my life. he seems to be able to comprehend and he told me that he probably won’t too. then the same consensus is with us that we are on the same boat. the rest of our conversation is typical.. asking each other when did we found out about ourselves, and when did we suspect each other.. the word gay didn’t appear explicitly throughout the conversation but we can safely assume that both of us meant the same thing.
it’s good to know at least there’s a real friend that i can talk to from now on..
on the other hand, my plan to leave is firm now. by next year i won’t live in this big city anymore. maybe it’s not a wise decision all together, to quit my current job and leave this place, but i don’t want to be regret for not trying to achieve what i want. the robbery and the months-away are probably hints from the heaven for me to make this decision.

countdown

another 12 hours i will be leaving this sin city.

for the past one week, i haven’t been meeting my regular lunch mates. it’s just that i don’t want them keep interviewing me on the robbery. it’s not a pleasant memory and i have been trying to get over it.

(this post was supposed to end here, but many other things came to my mind, so i continued typing…)

* * *

if it wasn’t because being selected to go to that place for 3 months, i wouldn’t have to leave home that day, i wouldn’t have been there at that time when the robbery happened. the victim wouldn’t be me if it wasn’t because i was selected to go to that certain place.

probably it is fated.

i have always been believing in fate. but i never realized how one incident fated can bring to another incident – probably it is fated to come after another, and i never realized how helpless and insignificant a person is as compared to his fate.

probably it is really fated.

i have always wanted to quit my job, but i couldn’t find a good reason to justify having to bear the breach of contract repayment, while i can still endure with things in my job. the robbery was probably an indicator. it was probably the best hint i was given to leave and to go for something i m better with. the 3-month away is also probably part of it – for me to leave my job temporarily to consider my resignation without mentally attached to my job.

* * *

losing a one-month old phone that costs more than 2k is really painful. i treated my dear phone so well. i almost named him, just that i didn’t manage to find a good name. i rarely have the desire to buy stuffs, let alone expensive stuffs. it took me some effort to save enough money to satisfy my rare desire. so i treasure all the things i bought out of my desire a lot. plus, i don’t have any other people that i can be emotionally attached to, so losing the phone is really painful.

feeling the pain emotionally is probably a test to me. getting over it means i gain a stronger heart.

another way of looking it, i have other expensive gadgets with me in my bag and my wallet was an expensive desire i entertained myself to and it contains my ID and cards etc.. maybe the robbers were glad enough to get an expensive phone so they didn’t continue taking my stuffs. anyway, there would be more aftermaths to be dealt with if they took my wallet with my ID and cards, and it will caused me more pain if they took my notebook. looking from this perspective, my phone was the most disposable belonging at that time. i should be glad that they took my phone but not my other belongings.

on the other hand, a small and weak guy like me holding up a big and expensive phone is too flashy, and easily targeted by those fucking bastards. so i have decided that i will not get another flashy gadget to be targeted, until i get stronger. i want to learn self defense martial arts and i want to look strong.

another way to look positively, the desire to become stronger after the robbery will also make myself stronger. i just hope i have enough determination to become stronger and enough persistence to do whatever necessary to be stronger.

most importantly, i am still alive despite the knife could have probably taken away my life considering i was struggling during the robbery. i still remember clearly that one of the bastards pointed the knife on my chest but i was so panicked that i forgot not to struggle. if the stab reached my heart, i could have died on the spot.