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Fixing myself

Finally, I’ve done it again. I resorted to leave my job to heal myself again.

Two things hurt me the most. Being deeply in love, or being too invested at work and it became toxic for me.

Maybe I’m still not getting good enough in protecting myself.

But one thing for sure that I’m getting better at, is that I’ve learned to make the call to stop the bleeding before more harm is being done on myself. I guess I should be proud of myself for that.

But maybe I should learn how to withdraw myself even earlier to come out unscathed.

When things fall apart in love or at work, it can be emotionally devastating. When it happens, one might wish there’s someone out there that can fix them.

I have wished for that before. Every time. But I’ve learned that there simply isn’t anyone that can fix me like that in my life. I just have to put myself together and pull through. There’s no point of hoping for anyone to fix me because no one ever will.

I just have to keep telling myself to strengthen my will and keep moving. It can be difficult and lonely. But I have to do it.

Now I’m just waiting for the resignation notice to end and I will finally be able to dedicate full time to heal myself.

I’m sure things will get better for me but I wish it could be less costly for me.

Escapist

Escapism means the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.

I was a very disciplined person. But over the years without realising, I’ve become like an escapist. When work gets overwhelming and feels like too much for me to handle, I lose my self regulation ability.

At first, I would feel dreaded to wake up for work. Sometimes, I would wish to fall sick and take a day off. I thnk many people are like that, too.

In recent years, it has become worse that I couldn’t gather my energy to prepare my meal, clean my dishes, take out the trash, clean my house, do my laundy, water my plants and various other housechores etc.

Lately for the past one year, it has gotten so bad that I would even skipped my meals, shower or brushing of my teeth. I couldn’t resist my mind’s call for leisure activities such as watching YouTube (even though there’s nothing specific that I want to watch), or playing games (I would do impulse buying for games and spent hours playing it daily for a few weeks before making another impulse purchase).

The worst part is that I lost my ability to regulate my urge to want to find things to do to distract myself from my work. When I start to watch YouTube or playing games, I would not stop even late at night. I tend to sacrifice my sleeping hours to get myself sufficiently entertained.

If I’m a character in The Sims, I must be a very badly played character. I overwork so much that I had to skip my night sleep to do leisure activities to raise my ‘Fun’ rating. Then the next day I don’t have enough ‘Sleep’ rating to work the next day.

I don’t have any idea how to get myself out of this mess now. Maybe I just need a short holiday. But I also doubt I can fully recover by a few days of break.

Busy at work

If you’re wondering why I’m so inconsistent in writing a post here, I’m really busy at work.

I’m so busy with my work that I hardly have time to think about anyting else.

It hasn’t been always like that. I used to be able to write every few days in my old blog. Then it became every few months.

I guess that is part of adulting. I get more responsibilities at work and in life, which in turns to make me to have to reduce the time I spend for myself. Things get worse with new things and various temptations that demand for our attention. Netflix, Instagram, TikTok etc. Despite my deliberate effort to not further divide my attention to them, I still have too little time to spend on writing.

Let alone spending time to grow a potential relationship and to maintain it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m vesting too much in my career.

Perfect

I know, I know. Nobody is perfect. But I don’t get why some others can be so easy to settle with mediocre results.

Holding to higher level of standards are important but when you try too hard and it still doesn’t mean your desired level, it’s depressing. This is especially true when it is a collaborative effort that requires some others to complete the work together. When they have failed to meet your desired level over and over again, should you just stop pursuing the level you desired, or should you just do away with the people that can’t meet the standards?

I chose the former. But that seems to have negatively impacted the level of standards I have for myself. I start to let myself get by with mediocre results with the things I do at work and even in my life.

It’s dangerous to start to compromise on quality. When you start doing it once, there will be another time you’ll compromise on something even worse.

I’ve started to realise that I’ve become someone that always gives themselves an excuse to not do more for better results, to do less and be content with mediocre outcomes, to not do anything because it is what it is.

This is bad. I feel bad for myself.

How do I get back on being strict on myself? How do I get back on feeling the sense of accomplishment when achieving something of my standards?

Is it my fault for being influenced by people around me, whom are unable to deliver my expected outcome in the things that I entrust them to do?

How not to be influenced by them?