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I was lost about how our relationship would become. I know it well I wanted to move closer, but he has his non-lover rules. I don’t think he was playing around. At least even when I told him upfront about my no-sex stand, he showed his respects and our relationship was still the same.

But the one-million question that has always been puzzling me is from how close we were, it should be natural to move on to the next level and become a couple. The reasons given to me were so non-reason and seems so indifferent and unrelated. Until today I still don’t understand what was keeping him. Maybe he had someone in his heart that he couldn’t get it over. Maybe I was not good enough for him.

All in all, I don’t see how we could move to the next level. And I had my concern on my life and work, so I decided to leave the city and him altogether.

Familiar Stranger – Justin Williams (2010)
http://www.4shared.com/embed/578382877/64830119
I didn’t know how to face him so I chose to run away. And now I’m saying hello again to him.

And two days ago I was still listening to this song and appreciating the lyrics. Yesterday morning he contacted me again.

That strummed my heartstrings. For an instant I was wavered.

I asked him again. I wanted to know what should I be expecting or not expecting from him this time.

He said it is still the same as before.

And I still don’t understand.

But he sounds super happy for being able to contact me again. He couldn’t get to me for more than half a year because I’ve blocked him from my contact.

a lot of things have happened to him and he has been feeling pretty down. But he said getting my reply made his day. And even my reply to his goodnight wishes made him so happy that he “can sleep with a smile”.

So what is this about? I really have no idea. If a simple reply from me can be so powerful to make him that happy, that sounds like I can influence him more than a friend, yet I’m only his friend.

So as a friend, I refrain myself from using intimate form of address.

Leaving a secure and well-paid job for a job that I thought I’m good in, all of my friends ‘envy’ my courage and wish me the best (and probably a few laughed at me behind my back for making such a decision), and have also been through arguments with my family over it. When I’m finally settling down, job motivation has become an recurring issue that keeps coming to haunt me every few weeks.

I think and rethink and rethink again about my life, my job and the horrible state I’m in now. Probable causes of my problem:

1. Technical skills for my job
   I thought I had a good deal of technical skills. Probably I really had it, but not any more after two years being in a non-technical position.
2. Got too used to an office job
   This is not my first telecommute job. I had another one before. It was fine back then. But soon after that, I took up an office job. Two years down the road, I’ve probably gotten so used to what I’d call zombie lifestyle. And then when I came back for a telecommute job, I realized that I’ve lost my self-discipline. Probably the previous job doesn’t require self-discipline because the nature of the job itself was full of rules and regulations.
3. Working on Uninteresting Technology
   I have to admit. Some of the technologies that my current company is using do not interest me. Worse still, I despise some of them. That probably relates back to #1 that I don’t have enough technical skills to appreciate the technologies. And I do not have enough influence and credibility to convince the switch to newer technologies that interest me. Company has to consider the risk of taking up a new technology after all.
4. Other Worries and Annoyance in Life
   My current job requires me to work during night time. That has been causing me to lose hair, gain panda eyes, and grow pimples. I’m not a real metrosexualist but I do want myself to look normal at the very least. These appearance problems are making me to lose confidence in myself and try to stay at home as much as I can, leading to my current unhealthy lifestyle. While I can nudge my working hours to make it earlier, it goes back to the problem of lack of discipline in myself to work during hot daytime.
5. Being too ambitious
   Wanting to achieve too many things. Not only I lost track of my progress for each of the things I want to do, I’ve also lost focus of what I should be doing.
6. Not having enough social life
   I think probably not meeting people enough has been causing me not able to focus well in the things I do. I think it’s loneliness.

These are some of them that I can think of. The way I look at them, they are correlated to each another. Probably I should take a long holiday to rethink about my future. I think I’m officially lost. I need to sort out my mind.

Life is never easy. Many times I envy the way kids can live without worries.

There are so many things that we need to face after stepping out from schools. There are a lot of things in life/about life that I did not know/understand, and there are still a lot that I do not know, things like personal savings, insurance, household planning, investments, housing, bank loans… etc.

I feel there’s always something in life that I did not learn like any of my peers did. I have been always feeling that growing up and stepping into adulthood without a father has made me lack of knowledge in dealing with many things in life. So occasionally, I get visions of a son learning from his father in a fatherly talk, wishing I was the son. But of course unlike those in movies/TVs where they talk about becoming man of dignity and such – I would imagine them to be talking about renting a place and earning own’s living in a city, teaching about personal financial planning and such.

I’m probably less fortunate. My father passed away when I was 10. Although I was old enough to know and remember things, I can only remember his appearance but not as a fatherly figure. He worked outstation. I could only see him 2 days in a week all year long except during CNY. And he always came back looking tired, so we had never really had real family time. I don’t even remember if he had beaten me up before like any father does to his son. My connection with him is so weak that I have not even dreamed of him, never when he was alive or dead.

Knowing I’m really ignorant about things in life, I’ve been trying to read and learn more about them over the Internet. The Khan Academy has a lot of good online educational videos offered for free. I’ve been doing the financial classes. But juggling between work, ambition, personal interests and these lessons is never easy, esp. when I’ve been having work motivation issues that I need to deal with. That makes me think that maybe I’m correct about stepping into adulthood with guidance from a father is easier than without the guidance.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m an ignorant boy unfit to enter adulthood. I don’t see myself have what it takes to live like a real adult. There are so many things that I feel so clueless about.

Come to think of it, it’s totally an oxymoron by saying I’m more matured-thinking than my peers yet I’m ignorant about things about life that they know. Maybe I’m not matured-thinking after all.

I’m feeling so down thinking about this whole thing. Should stop here.

Today when I was doing my usual kapchai routine on Grindr, I saw something surprising.

My ex-schoolmate is on Grindr, that could only means he’s PLU right?

I hesitated to say hi. At the end I never get to say hi.

I think I have become too self-deceptive. While I said I can handle myself well enough and don’t need a friend who is also gay to talk to, I guess through this surprising discovery, I realize that I actually instantly want to talk to a friend who can understand my circumstances.

My hesitation was partly because we were not that close back then in school. I’m afraid if he never intents to let his friends from school to know about his sexuality (like me). If that’s so, it would be awkward if I told him that I found out he’s gay.

I’ve never been good in dealing with people. That comes built-in to me as a nerd. So I have uncommon social dilemmas like this.

Ah well. Taking baby steps to change that part of me anyway.

I think I really have a complex towards Malay, a compassionate complex.

I get more *cuit* moment from Malays than Chinese. Many things done by a Malay can be more cuit hati to me than the same done by a Chinese. I’m not sure why but I’ve just realized this recently.

And I think the judging standards on appearance I use towards Malay is more lenient than those towards Chinese. When I’m outside, I always see more Malay than Chinese strangers that I consider good looking.

But I know well that I’m very proud of my Chinese heritage. The language, history, philosophies, culture, arts etc. Just about anything. So it’s quite interesting even for myself to realize my complex towards Malay.

Just saying.

I’m finally off the project cycle. I’m now in the gap between projects where I can finally take a breath properly and rest.

My work performance has not been good lately. I need a short term change of environment for working to refresh my working mood. It’s never been easy to keep up with the feeling of indolence when telecommuting.

It’s always been a myth among the general public that working from home is great because the working hours are so flexible and we can save the time required to commute to work. I once thought that way too. But that’s until the problem of indolence strikes me every few months. In reality, telecommuting requires a lot of self-discipline. I thought I was a disciplined person, but now I think I’m probably no longer a disciplined person. So I need external factors to push me working.

In a way, although I like my current profession, I don’t think telecommuting suits me. I’m probably one of those people that has always wished to get a telecommuting job but in actual fact, not suited for it.

But since I have taken up this route, I guess there’s no turning back at the moment. All I can do is to take some extra measures to make sure I do my job.

This time I’m going to try a workcation. Going to spend a week in an island and work from there. I’ve been there once when I was so stressed up with my office job and took a week leave for the island. It was great for me back then. I hope it still works for me this time.